Be brave, like prawn

Menu boy no be coward, like shrimp; menu boy be brave, like prawn.
-The Simpsons, Episode CABF01, "Lisa the Tree Hugger"

I took a picture of this giant freshwater prawn (Macrobrachium rosenbergii) at the Smithsonian National Zoo in Washington, DC, specifically so I could make a motivational poster for Lisa. Having completed my mission, I'm now filled with rage - it turns out that Macrobrachium and many other so-called "prawns" are not true prawns at all: they are freshwater shrimp. Some helpful Australians have provided clarification:

...there is one sure way to tell them apart. In shrimps or carideans the side plate of the second segment of the abdomen overlaps the segments in front and behind. Prawns, most of which belong to the family Penaeidae of the group Dendrobranchiata, have all the abdominal side plates overlapping tile-like from the front. A more fundamental difference but one impossible to appreciate in a single specimen is that female prawns do not brood eggs but shed them into the currents where they develop independently. It would therefore make sense to call all member s of the Penaeidae "prawns" and members of the Caridean "shrimps" and this is what most Australians do....Confusion arises when we hear Americans refer to prawns as "shrimp".

So that settles questions of anatomy, but not courage. Is there any relationship between location of abdominal segmants and strength of character? I leave that to the decapod philosophers.

Katy didn't

Lisa spotted this character at the front door to our building. It's a katydid. My best guess based on a minimal amount of half-assed research is that it belongs to the genus Microcentrum. When I saw it, I told Lisa it was a leafhopper. This was based on two critical observations:

1. It looked like a leaf
2. It looked like some kind of grasshopper

QED, right? Wrong. It turns out that a leafhopper is a completely different type of insect which hops on leaves, rather than resembles a leaf. Leafhopper are also really tiny. There goes my entomology career.


I can conclusively say, though, that...it is green.

Three-chambered peanuts!

MARSHFIELD, WISCONSIN - My friend Aaron and I were sitting on his back porch eating peanuts and drinking beer. when something totally unexpected happened: one of us found a three-chambered peanut...and then it happened six more times. I know, right? Seven three-chambered peanuts in one bag - what a time to be alive.

Angry eagle law firm

Do some aspiring attorneys dream of practicing angry eagle law, or does it just happen?

It happened in Tucson, Arizona, on Valencia Road, just west of the airport. Whether you need to sue over unlawful regurgitation or defend yourself against charges of kleptoparasitism, the Angry Eagle Law Firm has you covered. You can celebrate your assured victory across the parking lot, at the Happy Chicken restaurant.




Angry Eagle and Happy Chicken, staring each other down across the Arizona asphalt - I wonder if anyone at the zoning board chuckled when these building permits were issued.

Coordinates:
32.13412 N, 110.97922 W (WGS84)

You can see the avian showdown in Street View.

Why I hate Eastern Michigan University

Rounding out my triad of sports-related posts, I'd like to announce that I have sworn eternal vengeance against Eastern Michigan University.

Founded in 1849 as Eastern Michigan Normal School, the Ypsilanti-based school bills itself as "an extraordinarily practical, supportive, accessible, affordable and quality learning and living environment," where a "distinct mix of comprehensive academic resources, strong community initiatives, focus on education first, and nationally recognized undergraduate student research achievements set it apart." I have no reason to doubt any of this. No, my undying hatred lies in their 1991 decision to adopt "The Eagles" as their nickname. Does the world really need another generic school mascot? Within the Mid-American Conference alone, you'll find such creatively-named teams as the Akron "Zips" and the Kent State "Golden Flashes." It seems that Eastern isn't even trying.

Now, there are a number of good reasons why EMU's previous nicknames are no longer tenable:

• I can see why Normalites no longer works, give that the institution is no longer known as a "normal school" (that's old-timey talk for a teachers' college)
• Likewise, in these enlightened times, Men from Ypsi would exclude women's sports, though I can't see why "Women from Ypsi" wouldn't work.
• From 1929 to 1991, EMU athletes were known as Hurons - a name with local significance - but this name was dropped following a request by the State of Michigan that all schools in the state cease to use Native American names for mascots. Curiously, EMU's conference rivals, the Central Michigan University "Chippewas," ignored this request.
• For a short time following the above decision, EMU athletes were jokingly called the No-Names. Wonder why that didn't stick.
  

Hopefully, students, administrators, and alumni will finally realize that the answer has been under their noses for years. EMU's mascot should be the Emu! This large flightless bird, Dromaius novaehollandiae, is everything an athlete should strive to be: fleet-footed, with high endurance, and prone to occasional violence toward humans.

Take heed, Eastern Michigan University - become the EMU Emus or taste my wrath...at least until I find something else to be angry about.

Northwestern needs a new mascot

I have officially been at Northwestern University in various capacities - undergraduate student, staff member, and graduate student - for TEN YEARS. Yep, over one-third of my life has passed along Sheridan Road. That alone is a sobering thought - no question that ol' NU has been a good place to study and work, but ten years...wow.

Given the length of my own tenure on this campus, and the strong family connections (my father, uncle, and brother are alumni too), you might think that I would be an NU sports superfan, of the purple-bleeding variety, but I am not. This is for two reasons. The first is genetic - I come from a long line of sports-indifferent people, and, try as I might, I just can't get excited about college sports. The second reason, though, is a critical issue which I entreat the University to address for the sake of students past, present, and future: the mascot. Sorry, Willie - the wildcat needs to be replaced, for the following reasons.

First, let's look at the facts. The wildcat became NU's sports mascot completely by accident. Before the wildcat, NU's athletic nicknames included "The Fighting Methodists" and "Purple." I'm not a Methodist, but I'd be willing to be one on the field or in the stands. I don't know if the Wesleys were good at sports, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Eighteenth-century theologians aside, "Wildcat" name comes from a sportswriter's description of a football team's tenacity in a 1924 game. It is indeed the accidental mascot.

Second, I, one who knows nothing about sports, can name three big schools who are also "Wildcats," and probably more fittingly so:

• University of Kentucky
• University of Arizona
• Kansas State University

I've never been on the campus of K-State, but I can say with confidence that at least Kentucky and Arizona deserve the mascot more than Northwestern. The mountains around U of A's main campus in Tucson are home to bobcats and moutain lions. As far as UK goes, I don't know of any wild felids roaming the streets of Lexington, but I assure you that there are plenty of wildcats in the backwoods of the Bluegrass State. The closest thing that I've seen in Evanston are Lisa's four-legged hellions (which live off-campus) and the occasional skunk.

Moving into the land of opinion, nothing about NU really says "wildcat" to me. Why not pick something that taps into our history? Failing that, why not pick something unique or maybe a little off-the-wall? One needn't look far for inspiration. Consider some of the other school mascots out there. In the Big Ten alone, we have Badgers and Boilermakers. West of the Mississippi, you'll find Jayhawks, Cornhuskers, and Sooners. On the west coast, we have the Oregon Ducks, the Oregon State Beavers, and two gems from the University of California system - the Anteaters (UC Irvine) and, my favorite, the Banana Slugs (UC Santa Cruz). With the notable exception of the Anteaters, all of these tap into local history, culture, legends, or remarkable fauna. UC Irvine gets special dispensation because anteaters are pretty awesome even if they're not native to southern California. The bottom line is that there's no excuse for overusing sports mascots. I'm watching you, Spartans, Eagles, Tigers, Hawks, and Bears.

In the spirit of constructive criticism, I offer some suggestions for a replacement mascot.

• The Purple Monkeys
• The Jaywalkers
• The Flying Frances Willards¹
• The McLean Stevensons²
• The Prophets of "See, in 1851, this was considered the northwestern frontier, get it?"
• The Fighting "Steven Colbert is an alumnus and that makes us all a little cooler by extension"-s

Join me in writing the board of trustees on this critical issue. The time is now. Go U Purple Monkeys!

---

¹ Founder of the Women's Christian Temperance Union, one of the leading forces behind Prohibition. Probably a real party animal.
² Alumnus McLean Stevenson played the fictional University of Illinois alumnus Lt. Col. Henry Blake on M*A*S*H.

Announcing my new favorite sports team

My new favo(u)rite sports team is the Salmonbellies lacrosse team of New Westminster, British Columbia - a suburb of Vancouver.

How did this happen? Hypertext!

Dances with Wolves was on AMC the other day. I thought I recognized one of the actors from Northern Exposure. A quick search showed that I was correct (it was Floyd Red Crow Westerman, who played the recurring character "One Who Waits"). That should have been satisfaction enough, since I'm genetically impaired in my ability to recognize actors. Since I never know when to stop, though, I moved on to an article on Mr. Westerman's Northern Exposure cast-mate Elaine Miles, who played the doctor's secretary. That article contained a link to the Native American name controversy, which, in the section on Canadian terminology, linked to an article on Chinook jargon, the lingua franca of the old Pacific Northwest. Chinook jargon contains the word "hyak" or "hyack," meaning "fast" or "hurry," which became the nickname of the fire department of New Westminster, British Columbia, which is home to the Salmonbellies, one of Canada's oldest prfessional lacrosse teams.

But the greatest link of all came from the 'Bellies web site, where they link to their sponsor, Canadian Beaver Buzz Energy Drink. Nothing says "energy" like a scowling aquatic rodent with pupil-less eyes.

It's also worth noting that the New Westminster Fire Department "Hyacks" set off a 21-anvil salute every May as part of the Victoria Day festivities. Let the anvils ring, eh?